caroline ridgway

I wish I still worried

I wish I still called and left rambling messages saying nothing, who even remembers what, except

I love you

And also, hi, it’s me, it’s about noon

And you’d call back maybe eventually and say

Why do you always say it’s you calling

I know and

I love you too

I wish we still sat together in silence

Instead of silence in the absence

I wish I still didn’t know

The future

I wish you still explained things to me, over my head, hands outstretched, saying,

See, it’s like this

I wish I took notes

Because the pictures and the memories compete for insufficiency

And your fading voice is its own kind of loss

I wish happiness didn’t at times feel like a bargain no one asked for